Ugh …Holidays
I love autumn, I love the crisp air, the colored leaves, the sweaters, being outside without breaking a sweat. And yet every year, my autumnal joyful celebration is cut short. Why? At some point I will walk naively into a store and suddenly, I’m assaulted by Christmas. My face scrunches, and I’m momentarily discombobulated; “Did…did I miss Halloween? What’s happening? Am I forgetting something? What year is it?!?” And almost immediately, my body responds by hitting the panic button, sending me instant anxiety about the upcoming HOLIDAY SEASON. Goodbye peaceful fall.
To me, the holidays are anxiety incarnate - they have come to represent all of the excess, all of the doing and not getting done, all of the opportunities for tense family interactions, all of the possibilities to feel less than. The pressure can be intense on all of us: buy all the things! Find all the sales! Go to all the holiday parties! Celebrate with EVERYONE! Make your living situation look AMAZING! Oh, and don’t forget about all-the-everything you do on a daily basis anyway - do all of that, and now also do all of THIS. But be joyful! It’s exhausting.
Photo by Eugene Zhyvchik on Unsplash
I’m pretty sure I’m not alone here. Even if I stop railing on about the evils of late stage capitalism, excess, greed, and social inequality for a minute, I think we can all agree that the past few years have been tough on all of us. Our lives are different. Our health, our jobs, our communities, our ability to afford groceries all seem a bit less guaranteed. Our beliefs divide us, we don’t know who or what to trust, and sometimes it feels like the entire planet is a dumpster fire. Our stability is questionable, and that undermines any sense of security. With this sort of instability, our social traditions could be a salve; holiday traditions could be a comfort to many, but they won’t work for everyone.
Even in a pre-pandemic world, the holidays brought up a lot of feelings for many of us. The people-pleasers among us have extra pressure to try to nail the perfect gift, and if you are apt to compare yourself to others, there is plenty to feel bad about when it looks like everyone has everything decorated perfectly. Maybe family and friends have expectations of your time, and it’s hard to say no or compromise, and it just feels like there is no way to make anyone happy. There’s disappointment if your loved ones show their lack of attention by not spending time together or gifting you something that makes you wonder if they have heard anything you have said …ever. And we won’t even discuss the worry around the post-holiday credit card bills.
And what if we are alone? Not a lot of Hallmark commercials trumpeting those holiday traditions are there? Could leave us feeling like there is something altogether wrong with us, even if in reality, it just means this is nothing more than a quiet season of reflection.
What about those of us who endured trauma in our family? If holiday time means family time, this can be super uncomfortable, for a multitude of reasons. It can also stir up some sadness for the holidays you didn’t get to have, perhaps, or resentment that everyone had to pretend everything was “normal.”
Photo by D A V I D S O N L U N A on Unsplash
I’ve noticed one other challenge, and it’s the opposite of wanting to avoid family and the traumatic memories - it’s dealing with the grief of what is different. Remembering all the good times in the past (when we were young, when the family was together, when the kids were small) can be super bittersweet. Happy memories are lovely, and they can also shine a bright light on what is not going so great in life right now. Our loved ones might be gone or the relationships might be different. The holidays bring into focus what we have lost, I think, by bringing back memories of what we had, and what we expected.
Memories are more alive this season, I think. Not only are the conscious memories there, but there are a whole host of nervous system instigators about as well. The Christmas song playing on the overhead speaker might be linked to some memory held deep in your body that you have no awareness of, and suddenly you are in the pet aisle at Target having no idea why you feel so damn agitated. Music can be a strong link to implicit memories. So can smells, (the tree, the cookies, the fireplace). It could be a visual, or a sensation on your skin - anything can be a potential reminder - and traditions can be a bit like Pandora’s box if we aren’t ready for it.
Depressed yet? You're welcome.
These are all the things I usually think when I see the first hints of the holidays, as the panic sets in and I find myself wanting to fast-forward to January.. This year, I wanted it to be different. I don’t want to skip over any of my days, which means finding some enjoyment, and finding a replacement response for the stressed-out Scrooge route I usually go. It’s a process, but I have found more to enjoy this year.. And I’m encouraging anyone else who is done stressing or wishing they could avoid the whole month to take some ownership of their holiday experience.
Great. What can I do?
Find the joy.
I made a Christmas music playlist on Spotify - everything I want, nothing I don’t. Small joy. We hung stockings, wreaths, and the simplest of decorations - minimal but less stress, so another joy. Hot cocoa. Snowpeople. Cookies. Light some candles. Check, check, check. Do you love the lights? Drive around and find the prettiest house. Love to decorate? Do that, and maybe skip something else that you hate. Figure out which parts of which holidays and celebrations mean the most to you, make those the priority and let the rest go. Joy doesn’t need to be huge things, often the most meaningful are the small things done purposefully.
Re-evaluate your expectations
This is a big one. If you really sit and notice what might be bothering you as the holidays approach, do you notice any pulls for things to be just so? Are you looking for things - the decorations, the gifts, the food - to be perfect? These expectations could be ours (“If I can just manage to find the perfect gift, my kid will happy”), or inherited, meaning we are taking up the mantle of expectation that maybe someone else handed down or over. The problem with expectations is they set us looking for something elusive, and often, we land disappointed when things in real life don’t quite measure up. So ask yourself: Is this mine? Is it THAT important? Will my enjoyment of this time rely on this being just so? Does it give me peace or joy?
Follow the cues
This one is fun. What do we know about winter? It’s cold, it’s dark, we want to stay inside. Lucky for us, if we follow the earth’s patterns, we actually can do just that. If summer is for connecting, and spring is for new beginnings, then winter is for rest. Allow the rest to happen, and use some of the time to reflect on where you have been and where you are going next. We biologically NEED rest, and our growth depends on allowing time for rest to happen. If you struggle with sleep in any way, you might notice more feelings of stuck-ness, and in a way, your system is cueing you to notice the need for rest so you can move forward. Our culture promulgates this idea that worthiness is attached to busyness, but biologically speaking, no state is better than the other - we equally need our rest and digest cycles with our fight and push. So follow the seasons and slow down. Tune in to what rest really feels like, and see if it doesn’t open you up to some new solutions.
Express gratitude
We all know this one, right? Expressing gratitude daily actually builds new neural pathways, making it easier moving forward to see the good in situations. Find something new to be grateful for, and like the joys, it can be simple. Hell, sometimes I’m grateful I remembered to fill my water bottle between sessions. It’s not the grandeur of the thing, but recognizing the thing, and allowing yourself to feel what that expression of gratitude feels like - emotionally and in your body.
Create your ritual
Rituals are one of the ways we humans both express ourselves and make sense of the world. They help us connect with each other, and the world around us, and can help us connect to our feelings and our spirit. For example, if I want to focus on fostering a giving spirit this season, maybe I bring some meaning to this by donating to a homeless shelter. So, what do you want more connection with this season? Others? A part of yourself? Something else? Once you have identified what you want to connect with, how can you strengthen that connection? Is there a ceremony, an action, a place that practically or symbolically speaks to whatever you want to grow? Think about the rituals you have experienced throughout your life. Which ones did you enjoy? Was there symbolism involved? If so, what symbolism speaks to you? How can you incorporate that? The important piece here is doing whatever it is with intention. Say what you are doing, and why, even if only to yourself - this is what creates meaning. And by all means, have some fun with it.
Whatever you do, find some peace, find some joy, find some time for quiet, find some time rest.
Be well.
